What Food Condiment Are You?

Since I'm so too cool to do one of those lame online quizzes that tell you incorrect facts about yourself based on too little information (see here, here, here, here... etc etc), or at least far too hip to post the results, I've decided to create one of my own.

Here's how it works: post your answers to the following three questions as a comment to this post and I'll tell you what table condiment you are. Not only that, but I'll tell you how long before you go bad and have to be thrown in the trash.

1) You drop by a smoky tavern for a pint. You notice Kurt Vonnegut smoking in the corner and he motions for you to come over so he can sketch your portrait. Coincidently, The Smiths had decided to rehearse for their surprise reunion tour on the tiny stage next to the bar and they take the stage. Just then the doors opens and in walks Woody Allen looking for extras for his new film shooting outside. Last but certainly not least, a tractor trailer covered in graham crackers, a cement mixer full of melted chocolate and a dump truck of marshmallows collide, igniting the gas station next door, shooting perfectly melted smores in all directions. Do you:

a) Request a "Vonnegut asshole" next to your right shoulder.
b) Rip the fake Gladiola from the plastic vase on the table and run weeping to the stage.
c) Straighten your black rimmed glasses and shuffle awkwardly to the door.
d) Tear off your clothes, open your mouth, spread your arms, dive out the door and slide face first towards the delicious burning inferno.


2) I would rather date:

a) Someone with a permanent pubescent mustache and other rat-like features such as buck teeth, pointy noise and twitchy mouth, but a "hot bod" and hung like horse (or the equivalent in a girl... I can't say it!). Oh, and they're really rich.
b) Michelangelo's David. Right down to skin colour, rock hard abs and the coldness of his heart.
c) An artist type, so obsessed with their own art that he rarely has time for you. Oh and his art sucks. I mean it really sucks. But people seem to like it. Even though it sucks. Baaaad.

3) Generally, the happiest that I am is when I am:

a) By myself.
b) With my family.
c) With my friends.
e) With strangers.
f) Drunk by myself.
g) Drunk with my family.
h) Drunk with my friends.
i) Drunk with strangers.
j) Eating smores. It doesn't matter who with.