Let me start by clarifying a few things about my recent new obsession with internet porn.

For one, porn has never held a great appeal for me. Perhaps that's because the first Playboy I ever saw was from a pile my friend and I found hidden under a tree stump in the woods behind my house. We would spend our afternoons, each hidden safely from the other's view behind our own tree, learning all about the birds and bees. I blame most of my current sexual hangups on having to grope through dirt, moss, earthworms, and chipmunk dung everytime I wanted to see a woman's naked breasts. That shit stays with you.

Later, my ideas about sex were warped by my afternoons spent playing 16 colour adult themed MS-Dos computer games on my IBM PC XT 286. Oh Leisure Suit Larry, how many other young impressionable geek minds have your ruined like mine.

When I finally reached the world of VHS, porn quickly became a communal thing, watched in high school while getting half cut on cheap wine and fumbling under the blankets with your significant other, their best friend, their best friend's significant other, and a big bowl of party mix. Of course, I was always the one complaining about the paper thin plots, stilted acting, lack of ambient lighting and poor shot blocking. At some point we would just get bored and simply fast forward to the money shots. Who knows what effect all those untold hours of sped up love making has had on me? And if you know, feel free to keep it to yourself.

And lastly, I just find nakedness in general fairly hilarious. Bums are funny.

So here are the "fruits of my labour." So to speak. Excuse the pun.

1) Piss drinking anal fisters? Sooo 1990s. Erotic X-Rays are the future.

2) People in their underpants? Generally not all that sexy. But People in their underpants browsing the bookshelves of a university library? ummm..... I betcha someone out there would find that hot.

3) Victoria Secret catalogues lost their sex appeal after 1977.

4) Girls fighting? meh. Vintage girls fighting? That's what I'm talking about!