Best Non-Valentine
From A Fake Girlfriend
EVER

Alright, so admit it. You all did it. Each and every one of you scanned through The Coast's annual free two line valentines looking for your name. And if not your name, your nickname. And if not your nickname, some reference to an obscure embarrassing sexual fetish you have. And if not a reference to an obscure embarrassing sexual fetish you have, then at the very least a mention of a "guy with glasses" so that you could pretend for just a moment that someone out there actually thinks you're worthy of taking one minute to write two lines and shoot off an email for free.

Well, to everyone who once again was left without anyone giving two shits about them this Valentine's day, I have one word: SUCKERS!

Leave it to Blandy to come through for me with flying colours. The reference to a song we cowrote one rainy day while stuck out at the BLIP without an umbrella waiting for a bus that was an hour late was genius! And tossing in that word I invented to cover up for the fact that I rarely listen when people are speaking to me?

Whahahaha - A means by which to cover up the fact that you were not listening to a humorous andecdote by combining the initial question of "What?" with exaggerated nervous laughter. As in:

"... and then my grandmother tripped and fell face first into the fireplace."
"..."
"Hello? Are you even listening to me?!"
"Whahahahaha?"

I bow to thee oh Queen of the fake two line valentine.

(now if I can just find out who "Sweeteyes and your Bs and Hs" is. Bish?)