Considering my luck with Modern Relationships (MR), I've decided to move on from their archaic rules and idealistic expectations and open myself up to what I've dubbed the Post Modern Relationship (PMR).

Characteristics of a PMR

1. Perhaps better thought of as performance art than any real form of a lasting and intimate relationship with another person, the PMR relies on irony, not love, for its appeal.

2. All public contact between PMR participants must not exceed levels reached at the time of entering the PMR. To even the most intimate acquaintances, visible interaction between PMR participants must remain consistent with pre-PMR behavior.

3. PMR participants must maintain a false sense of surprise at their seemingly coincidental meetings at predetermined locations. Mention of the other PMR participant's name during conversations with non-PMR participants must be kept to a bare minimum.

4. In all outward appearances, PMR participants must maintain the impression of being happy that they are not in a relationship of any kind. In aid of this it is recommended that while discussing matters of the heart with family and/or friends, PMR participants must consistently appear bitter over past relationships. The idea of forming an intimate bond with another individual should result in the rolling of eyes and/or a remark to the affect that one would prefer to contract a highly visible and long lasting sexually transmitted disease.

5. "Behind closed doors", as they say, the rules involved in a PMR become quite flexible. As long as the public impression of detachment remains, the level of intimacy displayed privately may vary. It is of this author's opinion that anyone attempting their first PMR would be best advised to maintain a certain level of emotional detachment during both public and private interaction. Thus a private focus on physical pleasure alone is highly recommended, as the ability to show a high level of emotional intimacy in private followed by a robotic detachment in public comes only with years of training and experience. A high level of private romantic behavior should only be attempted by those with strong dispositions, as emotional osmosis between the private and public spheres has been noted in many cases.

6. Both parties must maintain the knowledge that a PMR is not an MR and thus must not be governed by the same set of rules. Expectations should not only be lowered but removed altogether. Those entering into a PMR do not do so in the hopes of finding what is often referred to as "the one". Quite the opposite, those entering a PMR often do so with "any one".

7. A PMR lasts only as long as both participants stay within the guidelines laid out above. Once either participant crosses a line it is up to the other to decide whether to dissolve said relationship, attempt to reconstitute a new agreement, or regress to the MR state with all its accompanying bugs and glitches.

8. Be advised: a PMR should only be entered into by two individuals with relatively similar levels of bitterness and pessimism. A high level of emotional and physical control must be maintained at the start of a PMR as to not appear suddenly optimistic or have increased spring in one's step.

9. On top of all else, keep in mind that what attracts people to a Post Modern Relationship is not the chance to have their cake and eat it too, but rather to appear to have no cake at all but secretly work in a bakery.